Cyber
Columnists

So what's the post-purchase syndrome about? This afternoon, I just ordered a new Gateway desktop to replace our HP. Our HP still runs office type applications all right, but some of the heavier graphics-type programs that I use have really bottle-necked and bogged down our old baby and it crashes frequently. We bought it in 1996 and it really needs more pep for the applications that I've been running lately. It was a scary decision since the system ended up costing 25% over what I had thought it was going to cost. I feel, at least, that I didn't "under-buy" on the resources of the system. For those of you that are interested, here's some of the highlights of the new system.

• AMD Athlon 750MHz w/Enhanced 3DNOW Technology
  
• 128MB Ram
  
• 17" Monitor
  
• 32MB Graphics Accelerator
  
• 20GB Hard Drive
  
• DVD Rom Drive
  
• CD-RW Drive
  
• Boston Acoustics speaker with Subwoofer
  

It's a great system that will take care of the heavy graphics applications that I work with without a whimper. At least it better, or I'm going to be in deep trouble with my dear wife. I'll keep everyone posted on how it stacks up in our June column.

Before we get into the main body of the column, we'd like to let you know about one of our fellow columnist and an honor that is soon to be bestowed upon him.. The column is "A Ritin Frum Oldbear." If you've never read it, you need to take a look at it. It is a wonderful column and very creative. Anyway, if your local paper carries the feature "FAMILY PC FUN - The Sunday comic strip for the online family," you need to check it out next weekend, May 7th. Every week they publish what they call a "Bonus Site." On May 7th, they will be featuring Oldbear's column. Way cool and way to go Oldbear!!

Seemail

Turning E-mail into FUN Mail

"We created Seemail E-messaging software to add more depth, more meaning, and more fun to e-mail. E-mail has become a big part of our everyday lives and our goal is to enhance it - to take it to the next level.

Seemail e-messaging software was originally developed by Jim Sherman, Seemail, Inc.'s CTO, as a convenient and cost effective way to stay in touch with his son who was away at college. It has since grown into an exciting and dynamic communications tool to help friends and family stay in touch and take the sometimes hard edge off of business communications."

Let's take a look at the program. The download (622k) from their corporate web, www.seemailinc.com, installed without a hitch. The site also contains a wonderful online demo of the program as well as a very concise and informative PDF formatted (Adobe Acrobat) manual. They also have some suggested uses of the program. Remember this program isn't just for fun, it could be used for some very useful business communication as well. Some of the program suggested uses could be:

• Reach out to a friend or family member far away.
  

  Your friends are off to college.
  

  Grandpa celebrates his 80th birthday.
  

  Dad on a business trip.
  

  Sister has a new boyfriend.
  

• On special occasions when you can't be there.
  

  You're an uncle!
  

  Niece got christened.
  

  The wedding was beautiful.
  

  Grandma won the Dance-A-Thon.
  

• Push a commercial message out using e-mail.
  

  Published your new book.
  

  Got your first music gig.
  

  Your product is ready to ship.
  

  Get out the vote.
  

  Send your audience a picture that talks and get a great response.
  

• Send that special someone a special message.
  

  Say it your way (with a little help).
  

  Forgot to buy flowers?

  Or do you just want to bring a smile to that special someone while she's (or he's) at work?
  

• Having a party, reunion, or special occasion?
  

  No worries! Seemail's Goodies (extras) section is fully stocked with images and sounds from your favorite movies, TV shows and just about anything you could ever imagine FREE from the Internet.
  

Have you figured out what this program does? The program creates an attachment that you can send along with your normal emails that adds a bit of excitement to your normal message. You can send a picture of your daughter to her grandparents with a personalized audio from her embedded within the attachment. The cool thing is that you just don't have to use a static or scanned image, you can also send movies along with sound. One warning, the movies with sound, can be very huge. So unless you and the receiving party have a high-speed connection (cable or DSL), I'd stick to the scanned or digital images. I created a test attachment using a JPG picture and a 5 second audio file. It came out to 367K, or about a third of a meg. Not too bad.

When you start the program you'll see the following opening window.

To create a Seemail attachment, folllow these easy steps I've outlined below. I took them from their online demo, followed them myself, and the program worked perfectly.

1. To create a Seemail E-message, begin by selecting the photo or photos you want to send.
   
2. Now record your personalized message using the microphone connected to your computer. Just click on the "Record Voice" button and speak into the microphone.
   
3. Once you've selected your picture and recorded your greeting, you can preview your finished personal Seemail E-message.
   
4. Save the finished greeting to your hard drive and open your email application. Now send your Seemail E-message as an attachment.
   
5. No special viewer is needed to receive or view a Seemail E-message. You just open your email and there it is.

The screen shot below is the window you'll see when you save your Seemail E-message. To include the sound portion of the message, you'll have to save it in a "AVI" format. This is the standard audio visual format supported by windows and MAC.

The program is extremely easy to use. Seemail would be a welcome addition to anyone who corresponds with family or friends over distances. Using Seemail is one of the reasons that the Internet has become such a useful communication medium. It's purchase price of under $30.00 is very reasonable for a program of this type. Seemail will add a whole new dimension to your family and business communications. I want to personally thank Brian from Seemail for letting me evaluate and review their program.

I highly recommend Seemail. I have a niece in Colorado with a new baby that will love the program. Plus, the program is so user friendly. Even those who are not that computer literate can use it like a pro. The program can even be configured to automatically open your email program after you've created your Seemail E-message attachment. For more information, surf on over to their web site:

www.seemailinc.com/

Net Humor and Life's Ponderances

And You Thought You Had A Bad Day!

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. St. Peter, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." St. Peter sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. St Peter dutifully asked, "Sir, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. "The second guy said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

St. Peter is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well," St. Peter announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the second man enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. St. Peter is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through his head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, goodnight, sleep tight" came from.

2. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

3. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

4. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

5. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

6. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

7. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

8. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

9. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

10. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

11. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

12. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

13. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

14. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

15. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters added a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Next time you fly an airplane, remember...

• Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
  
• If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
  
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back - then they get bigger again.)
  
• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
  
• It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
  
• The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
  
• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  
• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
  
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  
• Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!
  
• Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  
• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  
• You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
  
• Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
  
• A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.
  
• Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
  
• Helicopters can't really fly, they just beat the air into submission.
  
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  
• Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
  
• Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
  
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  
• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
  
• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
  
• Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
  
• A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
  
• It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
  
• A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
  
• A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
  
• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
  
• Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
  
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  
• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
  
• Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
  
• Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
  
• Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

A NEWLY DISCOVERED CHAPTER IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS HAS PROVIDED THE ANSWER TO:

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said,"No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

(You think its his wife, don't you ? Read on!)

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.

• All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
  
• 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
  
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  
• Boycott shampoo - Demand the REAL poo.
  
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
  
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.
  
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
  
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
  
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
  
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  
• Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  
• Half the people you know are below average.
  
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  

That's enough chuckles for now. We hope you've enjoyed the contributions. We'll have a new batch for you in our next issue.