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Your Web Connection

Dedicated to helping you untangle the World Wide Web

Volume 2 - Number 5

June 7, 1999

Chuck & TerryWelcome to a new edition of "Your Web Connection". Terry and I are glad you stopped by. We've got a neat site to tell you about plus our regular dose of net-humor and life's ponderances.

 

SETI At Home Project

Terry and I have always been interested in the search for extraterrestrial intelligence. An article in the May 16, 1999 edition of the "Fort Worth Star Telegram" really caught our attention. Since the universe goes on forever and forever, it is pretty pompous of us to think that WE are all that there is. The Jody Foster film "Contact" was fascinating to us. The project mentioned in the film, SETI (search for extraterrestrial intelligence), really does exist. And many of the problems they had in the film are real, too. They are collecting mounds and mounds of data, and and don't have the resourses to analyze the data. One of the major resources missing is computing power. Now, you at home, have the chance to analyze some of the data from that radio telescope. I'll tell you how in just a minute.

The article went on to outline how "The Planetary Society," based in Pasadena, California, has come up with a really neat idea; let millions of home computers help analyze the endless data for them. From their web site, I recently learned that they collect an average of 32 gigs of data daily. That's a lot of data to be crunched and analyzed and not enough super computers to do the work. Those super computers are expensive to maintain and keep running. That's where all of us with PCs come into the picture.

Here's how the program works. Go to their web site and download the "SETI at Home" program. You'll also receive, what they call, "a data unit." It's a chunk of data that your computer will analyze. When the analysis is done, you'll upload the completed data and get a new "data unit" to analyze. Depending on the power of your computer, you can elect for the program to run all the time in the background or just have it run when your screen saver come on. It's a way cool looking screen saver. It shows the data analysis that is under way. For a detailed description of what the images represent, there is a full tutorial on the SETI web site.

Check out this really neat project at the SETI web site. There you can get all of your questions answered and read all about the project. Point your browser to:

http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu

 

"Marc Andreessen: The Next 50 Years"

I subscribe to several Internet trade magazines that the public usually doesn't get to read. One of my favorite is "Inter@ctive Week.".In the May 17, 1999, issue they ran a very insightful interview with Marc Andreessen, the father of the modern day browser. For those of you that have been in the dark about the Internet, Marc, now a whopping 27 years old, was 22 when he and his team at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, developed the first Mosaic browser. Later on, his team developed Netscape, and the rest is history.

Last month, he was appointed Chief Technology Officer at AOL. His mission will be to move AOL from a position that is mainly thought of as a "beginner's" Internet service to one that will be all things to all types of consumers at all levels of access. He will now have to prove that his rise in prominence was not a "flash-in-the-pan." He will be guiding an industry which could generate, in the next five years, more than a trillion dollars a year in e-commerce. Yes, I said a trillion! That's what the "people in the know" are predicting.

Marc's main goal is to make the Web truly worldwide. In order to do this, he must get the Net to those who don't have access to it now. This is going to be an undaunting task. Right now the Net is only touching around 1% of the world's population. He feels it needs to be 100% to fulfill his dream of a "World Wide Web." This feat, if he can accomplish it, will be his biggest challenge for the next fifty years. He's not so much worried about the next five years as he is about the next fifty. His overall goal is to turn American Online into "World Online." Watching his progress is going to be very interesting indeed. This is a very exciting time to be alive. It's really amazing to watch what has happened over the past couple of years and to wonder what is on the horizon in the next fifty! It is indeed going to be a very interesting time!

 

NetHumor and Life's Ponderances

It's time to smile a bit with our regular dose of humor that my friends pack my email box with. In today's world filled with stress and tension, we all need a good laugh or a chuckle every now and then. We hope you enjoy their contributions.

 

Cute Anecdotals

... Ads in Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

... Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

... Pregnancy:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god... Give me your hand... It won't be long now..."

... Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.

... Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

... Phone-in Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this." Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

 

ONLY IN AMERICA:

  • Only in America.... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries and a diet coke.
  • Only in America.... do banks leave both front doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in boxes in the garage.
  • Only in America....do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD . . .

  • when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
  • when the gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • when your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
  • when your children begin to look middle-aged.
  • when your mind makes contracts your body can't fulfill.
  • when you look forward to a dull evening.
  • when your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."
  • when you turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
  • when your knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • when your back goes out more than you do.
  • when you sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  • when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

 

Skipping Church
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news.

The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, please bless this food that I am about to receive!"

 

TECHNIQUES ON BEING AN EFFECTIVE EMPLOYEE

  1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

  2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution envisioned, but not bad either.

    When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

  3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.

    If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack. When he/she arrives, you can turn around, reach for the correct stack, go in at the right depth and extract the document. It will appear that you have an amazing memory and have things really organized.

  4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.

    Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

    The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

  5. Also, some good excuses if you get caught sleeping in your office:

    • "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
    • "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
    • "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
    • "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
    • "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
    • "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
    • "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
    • "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

 

The Three Doctors

Three doctors are returning from a conference when a truck crosses the median and hits their limo. All of a sudden they are face to face with St. Peter. He looks at the doctors and says "Tell me why I should let you into Heaven."

The first doctor says "I won the Nobel Prize in Medicine."

"OK!" says St. Peter, "Welcome to Heaven."

The second doctor looks worried and says "I never won any prize; but I devoted my career to a free clinic where people could get treatment at no cost." St. Peter smiles and holds open the Pearly Gates for doctor number two.

The third doctor smiles and says " I am responsible for setting up HMO's throughout the United States."

St. Peter looks this man in the eye and says "You may enter Heaven as well, but you can only stay 3 days."

 

What sign are you under?

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

 

That's all for this issue. On July 7th, I'll be operated for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. We will be doing a column for July 5th, but I'm not sure we'll do a column for August. We'll let you know if you are on our notification list. We'll just have to see how my recovery progresses. The doctor claims that I'll have limited use of my left hand for only 12-14 days then I should be back up to full speed. After I fully recover from the surgery on my left hand, I'll have to have the right one done a couple of months later.

Thanks for stopping by. We'll be back next month. If you'd like to be added to our email notification list that will let you know when our column is updated, just let us know. We'll be glad to add your name to our list. The list is private, so you don't have to worry about your email address getting out. Because I use a very good GroupMail program, the notification letter has only your email address on it so no one knows who else is on the list. If there is a topic or site you'd like to see covered in the future, let us know and we'll take a look at it. See you the first Monday of next month!

Created by Chuck and Terry Mencke

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"Your Web Connection" was last modified: December 24, 2000

URL: http://www.web-connection.org/archive/webback/1999/conn0607.htm

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