Cyber
Columnists

"Net-Bits"

Net-Slaves

It may seem like a dream job working on the Net all day long, but there are draw-backs. Read all about the "darker" side of the digital work force.

http://www.disobey.com/netslaves/

Office Space

Life in a cube. Get your cubical freedom kits at the site.

http://www.officeguy.com/

Soup Recipe

I love soup. The only problem is, when I make soup, I REALLY make soup and we're eating on it for many meals. I'm checking this site out for new and exciting recipes.

http://www.souprecipe.com/

Personal Technology

This is a fantastic column authored by Walt Mossberg for the Wall Street Journal. It is the definitive source if you want to know what's hot in personal technology. This is a must read on a regular basis.

http://ptech.wsj.com/

Y2KCulture

A very good site on the millennium without all of the hysteria. All sorts of columnists, features, cartoons and resources. Well worth a visit.

http://www.y2kculture.com/

Everyone is an expert in some subject. Here you'll find a wide range of topics that you can browse through. You can get answers from the experts and even check out their credentials. This is one of those sites that makes the Net so interesting.

http://www.allexperts.com/

OK, this one is for you eBay junkies. You have to visit this site to see all of the weird stuff here. Do you have something real strange in that dark corner of your closet? If so, you can probably find a buyer here!

http://www.grrl.com/ebay.html

Unclaimed Baggage Center

Check out all of the stuff that has been left behind. There are some real bargains here plus some really strange stuff as well.

http://www.unclaimedbaggage.com/

Star War: Making Episode I: Lynn's Diary

With the release on the horizon of Episode I, this makes fascinating reading. It's an online diary that was created during the production of the movie.

http://www.starwars.com/making/

NetHumor and Life's Ponderances

Mother's Day is May 9th. Honor your mother.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenager to deal with, we will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, then we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza.

He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way, so, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So, Work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt and Dance Like No One's Watching.

The nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, named in Honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. ("Nova" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go.")

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".

    When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

11. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward, he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before".

• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  
• When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  
• Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  
• Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
  
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  
• Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
  
• Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
  
• School lunches stick to the wall.
  
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  
• Don't wear polkadot underwear under white shorts.
  
• The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  
• Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
  
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  
• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
  
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
  
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
  
• Every child comes with the message that God is not yet totally discouraged with Humankind. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. Gal 6:1

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography) ...

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her response....click.

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that it was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations: "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"