Its time to smile and chuckle a bit. We've got a couple for you that we hope you enjoy. These were all contributed by my good friend, Bill Speir. He just keeps them coming and Terry and I keep laughing!
1. Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more. 2. Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun. 3. The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are. 4. Being bad is no longer cool. 5. You have friends who have kids. 6. Saturday mornings are for sleeping. 7. You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland. 8. Your parents' jokes are now funny. 9. You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?" 10. You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller. 11. Christmas starts to hack you off. 12. You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there do your laundry anymore. 13. Two words: parachute pants. 14. Naps are good. 15. Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting. 16. You no longer do the "pee pee" dance. 17. You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever". 18. When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons. 19. When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!" 20. Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you. 21. The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal. 22. You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen. 23. Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple. 24. You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd. 25. You WANT clothes for Christmas. 26. You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums. 27. You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. 28. You've bought an album on vinyl.
- "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
---- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
- "Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
---- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
- "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
---- Mariah Carey
- At the 1994 Miss Universe contest:
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---- Miss Alabama
- "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
---- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes
- "I didn't commit no crime. I mean, I didn't shoot nobody. I didn't stick nobody with no blade. I didn't kill nobody. I didn't steal from nobody. I didn't sell no drugs. This is stupid, real stupid."
---- Mike Tyson, after being convicted of rape and assault
- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
---- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
- "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history....We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
---- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
- "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
---- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Then enough for this issue. We hope you've enjoyed our little contribution to bring a few smiles here and there. Click on the "Right" arrow below to move to the final section of the column.
created by Chuck and Terry Mencke
Last Modified: October 22, 2000